More funny emails
15 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry
1.) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.2.) If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be meetings.
3.) There is a very fine line between a hobby and mental illness.
4.) People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5.) You should not confuse your career with your life.
6.) Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
7.) Never lick a steak knife.
8.) The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9.) You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10.) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11.) There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12.) The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, eligion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13.) A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)14.) Your friends love you anyway.
15.) Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
FINAL thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as
grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
April 24th, 2007 at 8:04 am
Thanks for a pleasant laugh, I’m always amaze at how much a little humor can be the one little rope that keeps folks [like me] from falling straight into LaLa Land. These aren’t mine, but I found it too hard not to share, hope you like them.
Why we love kids
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”
Culture and meaning
A while ago, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a huge failure…
• In Africa most didn’t know what “food” meant.
• In Eastern Europe most didn’t know what “honest” meant.
• In Western Europe most didn’t know what “shortage” meant.
• In China most didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
• In the Middle East most didn’t know what “solution” meant.
• In South America most didn’t know what “please” meant.
• And in the USA most didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
Gender of the Computer
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”
The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine One group was comprised of the girls in the class, and the other, of boys Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of girls concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2- They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3- They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4- As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The boys, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1- No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3- Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Do you have a mother like this one?
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!”
My mother taught me RELIGION - “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
My mother taught me LOGIC - “Because I said so, that’s why.”
My mother taught me FORESIGHT - “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
My mother taught me IRONY - “Keep laughing and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - “Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - “Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
My mother taught me about STAMINA - “You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach is finished.”
My mother taught me about WEATHER - “It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - “If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?”
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times - Don’t exaggerate!!!”
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - “Stop acting like your father!”
My mother taught me about ENVY - “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”
THANKS, MOM!
April 24th, 2007 at 3:21 pm
Thanks for sharing those Luke, I’ve never read most of those ones. I especially liked Gender of the Computer…so true!