CassieGermsheid.com

Today I didn’t realize how ridiculous I was until after the fact, but now that I do….I’m slightly ashamed of myself.

At supper tonight, I had a serious craving for some Sprite. I don’t like giving my 3 year old daughter pop too much, especially at supper, so I devised a plan that I could still have some but give her water instead. It works out well that Sprite is clear.

I got up from the table and snuck to the fridge. I pulled out the bottle as fast as I could and slipped into the bathroom which is right off the kitchen next to the fridge. I poured myself a glass of pop while standing over the bathroom sink, then quickly went back out and snuck the Sprite back into the fridge.

Then I went over to the kitchen sink and turned on the tap. I pretended to fill my glass with water and then asked my daughter if she wanted any water too. Of course she said yes, so I got her a glass too. When I sat down with our drinks, she looked at mine for awhile. She could see the bubbles in my Sprite, then she looked at her flat water. I figured I was busted, but she never said anything. That may have been my last chance to trick her like that. She’s getting too smart for mommy’s deceptiveness.

At least I’m not alone though. I remember reading an article in the Saskatoon Star Phoenix one time by Cam Fuller I believe. He wrote how he would sneak some Coca Cola in a coffee mug and tell his kids it was coffee. That didn’t work for too long, and I’ve actually done the same thing with my own daughter, but she’s past that stage too.

Sometimes I’ll also sneak the pop out of the fridge and drink it right from the bottle after I’ve locked myself in the bathroom. How sad is that?? Or I’ll just stand right there while her back is turned and drink it from the bottle while standing with the fridge door open. Most times I’ll be trying to watch her out of the corner of my eye and I’ll end up spilling pop down my face. I’m real classy you know. (Note to anyone who comes over to my house, don’t drink the Sprite if you don’t want to get my germs.)

I’ve been super bored lately (even though I should be working) so I’ve been looking for some funny quotes online. I found a few good websites so I thought I’d compile a list here along with a few of my favorite quotes.

Note: Some of these quotes contain links to the pages where I found them. The same quotes are on a bunch of other websites, but I just linked to the first page I happened to find them on.

Found via http://www.coolfunnyquotes.com/

“You laugh because I’m different………..I laugh cause I just farted!”

“Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.”

“He who laughs last didn’t get it.”

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.”

Found via http://www.goodquotes.com/funnythoughts.htm

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out?”

Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken over there … I’m gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt?”

A few movie quotes:

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
If I’m not back in five minutes… wait longer!

Dumb & Dumber
Lloyd: What’s the soup du jour?
Waiter: It’s the soup of the day.
Lloyd: Mmm… that does sound good.

Shrek 2
Shrek: Someday I will repay you, unless of course I can’t find you or I forget.

Quotes from my friend ‘Sally’ - I’m changing her name cause she might beat me if I say her real name. (These were really funny at 1 a.m. but maybe not so much now… I thought I’d put them up anyway.)

“…meh, drunken sex happens.”

“Hmm, its like eating a whole cake.. I know I shouldn’t do it - but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to”

“Lemme look it up. I may have pretended I knew a word and didn’t.”

“I don’t think that lesbians should be allowed to used dildos.. they made their choice.”

On the subject of being mean to people “Call them a f***face also, it has more punch.”

“Even super models are self conscious… ‘if only i could have done a little more blow and threw up a bit more….’”

Last, but certainly not least, some good old Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey (who really is an actual person). You can visit the official site here and watch the Deep Thoughts like they used to show on Saturday Night Live, or you can visit here and read a bunch of them all on one page.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he’s really sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
~
Instead of a regular arm, Carl had been born with a pigeon’s wing. The odd thing was, all through his life, no one ever laughed at his wing — not even the mean kids at school. Then one day he realized why: He looked in the mirror and saw that he was a pigeon! He shit right there, as he often did, wherever he was.
~
If I was being executed by injection, I’d clean up my cell real neat. Then when they came to get me, I’d say, “Injection? I thought you said ‘inspection.’” They’d probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
~
Many people don’t realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also at important business meetings.
~
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words — “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.
~
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he’d head off to go fishing. But we wouldn’t be laughing that evening, when he’d come back with some whore he picked up in town.

You know how movies are so predictable? Like, just once - JUST ONCE - I’d like to see a movie where someone coughs and they don’t die or get deathly ill. Well, this is a list of 100 things that this guy would do if he became an evil overlord, instead of what they always do in movies (or books or comics). I found this via http://www.saynotocrack.com. You should bookmark that blog, it’s a gooder.

The Top 100 Things I’d Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

It’s definitely worth the read. There are a few that made me laugh out loud (because I’m morbid). Here are a few of my favorites.

7. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say “No.”

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!”, I will say “Oh well” and kill her.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

That reminds me, I’d also like to see a movie where two people of the opposite sex can actually go through the entire thing without becoming love interests. I’m all for happy endings and sappy romances, but seriously! It doesn’t always have to end that way. Now do as I say and go read that list.