Funny Quotes
I’ve been super bored lately (even though I should be working) so I’ve been looking for some funny quotes online. I found a few good websites so I thought I’d compile a list here along with a few of my favorite quotes.
Note: Some of these quotes contain links to the pages where I found them. The same quotes are on a bunch of other websites, but I just linked to the first page I happened to find them on.
Found via http://www.coolfunnyquotes.com/
“You laugh because I’m different………..I laugh cause I just farted!”
“Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.”
“He who laughs last didn’t get it.”
“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.”
Found via http://www.goodquotes.com/funnythoughts.htm
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out?”
Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken over there … I’m gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt?”
A few movie quotes:
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
If I’m not back in five minutes… wait longer!Dumb & Dumber
Lloyd: What’s the soup du jour?
Waiter: It’s the soup of the day.
Lloyd: Mmm… that does sound good.Shrek 2
Shrek: Someday I will repay you, unless of course I can’t find you or I forget.
Quotes from my friend ‘Sally’ - I’m changing her name cause she might beat me if I say her real name. (These were really funny at 1 a.m. but maybe not so much now… I thought I’d put them up anyway.)
“…meh, drunken sex happens.”
“Hmm, its like eating a whole cake.. I know I shouldn’t do it - but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to”
“Lemme look it up. I may have pretended I knew a word and didn’t.”
“I don’t think that lesbians should be allowed to used dildos.. they made their choice.”
On the subject of being mean to people “Call them a f***face also, it has more punch.”
“Even super models are self conscious… ‘if only i could have done a little more blow and threw up a bit more….’”
Last, but certainly not least, some good old Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey (who really is an actual person). You can visit the official site here and watch the Deep Thoughts like they used to show on Saturday Night Live, or you can visit here and read a bunch of them all on one page.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he’s really sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
~
Instead of a regular arm, Carl had been born with a pigeon’s wing. The odd thing was, all through his life, no one ever laughed at his wing — not even the mean kids at school. Then one day he realized why: He looked in the mirror and saw that he was a pigeon! He shit right there, as he often did, wherever he was.
~
If I was being executed by injection, I’d clean up my cell real neat. Then when they came to get me, I’d say, “Injection? I thought you said ‘inspection.’” They’d probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
~
Many people don’t realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also at important business meetings.
~
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words — “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.
~
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he’d head off to go fishing. But we wouldn’t be laughing that evening, when he’d come back with some whore he picked up in town.