CassieGermsheid.com

BAKED BEANS (got this one from my mom this morning, who can obviously appreciate a good fart story.)

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: “Happy Birthday!”

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got these in my inbox today. Maybe it’s because I’m still a bit buzzed from all the beer I drank last night but they made me laugh out loud.

This is why I don’t ever go on roller coasters. I don’t ever want a picture of me with a look like that plastered on my face passed around the internets.

Check out the creepy dude in the background adjusting himself.

If Chris Farley had a kid.

Glad I’m not married to any of these jerks.

I see that look of horror on my daughter’s face whenever I sing to her.

Whoops.

Foul ball!

I got this email last year just before Christmas, and since the time is almost near again this year I thought I’d post it for anyone who hasn’t read it.

Psychological Christmas Songs

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY: We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

NARCISSISTIC: Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town …or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

GRANDIOSE: Go Tell it on the Mountain

ADDICTED: Angels We Have Heard When High

PARANOIA: Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I’ll tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell….

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY: Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me… (and then took it all away).

FIG LEAF

The new town pastor walked into a neighborhood pub, and stood quietly for a moment, watching everyone dancing in the place, which was hopping with music. Every once in a while the lights would go out and the whole place would erupt into cheers. After a few moments, though, the revelers caught sight of the pastor, and the room went dead silent.

He walked up to the bartender and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “I really don’t think you should.”

“Why not?” the pastor asked.

“Well, there is life-sized statue of a naked woman in there, and her most private part is covered only by a fig leaf.”

“Nonsense,” said the pastor, “I’ll just look the other way.”

So, the clergyman proceeded to the restroom. The dancing and rowdiness resumed, and when the lights went out again, the crowd cheered even more wildly than before. After a few minutes, the preacher came back out. The crowd stopped dancing just long enough to give him an enthusiastic round of applause.

The pastor went to the bartender and said, “I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us!” said the bartender.

“I’m afraid I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled pastor.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time the fig leaf on that statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place.”

Here’s another email I received that involves kids answering questions. It’s similar to this one I posted awhile ago, but I think this one is even better.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
– Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
– Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
– Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
– Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
– Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
– Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they’re rich.
– Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1) I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.
– Theodore, age 8

(2) It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
– Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is……..

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
– Ricky, age 10

This is for those of us with enough…maturity to understand.
(Click on any of the pictures below to open them up full size.)

You Know You Grew Up In The 80’s if:

1. You’ve ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE. (Author’s note: I know it’s PSYCH so quit emailing me already. This isn’t my list, I’ve already noted that this was an email I was sent awhile ago.)

2. You watched the Pound Puppies

3. You can sing the rap of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton.

4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.

5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters Club and tried to start a club of your own.

6. You owned those Lil’ Strawberry Shortcake Pals scented dolls.

7. You know that “WHOA” comes from Joey on Blossom.

8. Two words: Hammer Pants

9. If you ever watched “Fraggle Rock”.

10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars… and spokey-dokes or playing cards on your spokes for that inredible sound effect.

11. You can sing the entire theme song to “Duck Tales” (Woo ooh!)

12. It was actually worth getting up early on Saturday to watch cartoons.

13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.

14. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen… and still know the turtles names.

15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.

17. You played the game “MASH” (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)

18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.

19. L.A. Gear….need I say more?

20. You wanted to change your name to “JEM” in Kindergarten. (She’s Truly Outrageous.)

21. You remember reading Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing and all The Ramona books.

22. You know the profound meaning of “WAX ON, WAX OFF”.

23. You wanted to be a Goonie.

24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing (some of us…head-to-toe).

25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.

26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

27. You took lunch boxes to school…and traded Garbage Pail Kids in the schoolyard.

28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.

29. You still get the urge to say “NOT” after every sentence.

30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.

31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.

32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power) and He-Man should hook up.

33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.

34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.

35. After you saw Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, you kept saying “I know you are, but what am I?”

36. You remember “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”.

37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.

38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.

39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.

40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.

41. You’ve gone through this nodding your head in agreement.

42. You remember Popples.

43. Don’t worry, be happy.

44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.

45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do…getting yelled at by younger hip members of the family).

46. You remember boom boxes and walking around with the one on your shoulder like you were all that.

47. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.

48. You know what it meant to say “Care Bear Stare!!”

49. You remember watching Rainbow Brite and My Little Pony Tales.

50. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.

51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.

52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool…and don’t even flinch when people refer to them as “NKOTB”.

53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on “Saved By The Bell” the ORIGINAL class.

54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.

55. You just sang those words to yourself.

56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.

57. Homemade Levi shorts…the shorter the better.

58. You remember when mullets were cool!

59. You had a mullet.

60. You still sing “We Are The World”.

61. You right rolled your jeans.

62. You owned a banana clip.

63. You remember “Where’s the Beef?”

64. You used to (and probably still do) say “What you talkin’ ’bout Willis?”

65. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.

66. You’re still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren’t you?

Note: This was an email sent to me awhile ago. I know that it’s spelled “Psych” and I know that some of these apply to the 90’s as well as the 80’s.

If you liked this post, don’t forget to sign up for my RSS feed to receive updates of delectable dumbness each time they’re posted.

15 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry

1.) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2.) If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be meetings.

3.) There is a very fine line between a hobby and mental illness.

4.) People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5.) You should not confuse your career with your life.

6.) Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

7.) Never lick a steak knife.

8.) The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9.) You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10.) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11.) There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12.) The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, eligion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13.) A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14.) Your friends love you anyway.

15.) Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

FINAL thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as
grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Here’s another email I received awhile ago. Some people might find these images offensive, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I just love reading emails about funny answers kids have given to certain questions. They have such a cool outlook on things, although sometimes it seems like sometimes an adult may have made up the answers to make it sound like a kid…..anyway, here’s one of them. You can decide for yourself.

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school kids to the following questions!!!

Why did God make mothers?

1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?

1.We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats alot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between moms & dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head